Confessions of a Hemingway-Look-Alike Contestant

Strolling down Duvall on a hot sticky July night, I knew I must be out of my head, and I hadn’t even had a drink yet.

Captn' Dan as Hemingway

I really didn’t know what I was in for and I had questioned the entire enterprise.  Why the Hell was I doing this?  Was I absolutely crazy?  Or had the Vodka finally eaten a worm hole in my brain…or what was left of it?

My wife and I had decided some weeks earlier that I would enter the Earnest Hemingway look-alike contest since it would be going on during the vacation we had already planned for the last half of July.  I wasn’t altogether certain why I had made that decision, but here I was, and I felt like I couldn’t turn back now.  Needless to say, I’d had some persistent encouragement from my very loving wife whenever my courage started to flag….

As we made our way toward Sloppy Joe’s, we came upon a bearded old fart (yes, even older than me) who looked me over and said,

“Yep…..you’re heading in the right direction!”

Another Hemingway Contestant

Wonderful.  Was that what I wanted to hear?  I didn’t really want to look as obvious as that, or did I?  Wasn’t it all about looking like old Earnest?  Still, it was a bit unsettling, but something I guess I’d getter get used to!!

Many, many Hemingways

My wife and I arrived at Sloppy Joes Bar in the midst of what seemed like total chaos.  There was virtually no place to stand…let along sit….but my sons knew I was coming and had dutifully reserved an appropriate table in pretty much the middle of the bar.

I was relieved.  Ben, Chris and Jon had at least staked their claim, and nobody seemed interested in messing with three sturdy lads.

Not sure what was being said here . . .

Once we had settled in at the bar, my oldest son informed me that the organizers of the contest had been calling out my name (apparently looking for me) and that I should at least get up closer to the stage where I could claim my name tag, tee shirt and other paraphernalia associated with being a contestant.

So my wife and I proceeded to do just that…and when we did, and I realized that I was going to be branded with a badge that read…..”1 to 5 Years”……I knew that I was toast.  Some guys were running around with badges that said “Over 20 Years”!  Clearly, longevity was a critical factor here, one that was revered as much as looks, and possibly even more.

But that’s okay.  I really didn’t care all that much.

A unique costume . ..

Being a first-year contestant, and obviously having not had done any of this before, I felt like a complete goon (or orphan), depending on what second it happened to be.  But, once again, that was okay, as I was completely determined to have a really good time…regardless.

So, back at our table with the family, I started ordering and slamming down vodka tonics as quickly as I could.  I really didn’t know what to order, but those somehow seemed appropriate, and they tasted wonderful in the late evening of that sultry summery July evening.  So, I had my share.

As I set there getting somewhat toasty, I realized, as I looked around, that this was more than simply a personal event in which I was involved, that it was much more than that…that it was virtually an historic event that would not only be recorded on web cams around the world but would also be recorded by others in other formats for many years to come.  All of a sudden, it seemed to be something bigger than the reality that was going on around me…something bigger than the life I was experiencing at the time…….

Weird, to say the least.

The roundup on Greene Street

So, the next thing I knew, I was being summoned to exit Sloppy Joe’s out onto Greene street, where the prospective “Hemingway Look-Alikes” were to gather prior to being called up onto the stage where all the Rock ‘n Roll Bands normally would’ve played.

That, in and of itself, was also an experience in that all of a sudden I was surrounded by complete strangers who, just like myself……..looked just like me!!  Damn!!  How did that happen??  Obviously the vodka had done little to actually calm me down, but it had done some good……

Next we were ordered and grouped alphabetically by our last names, and so I was pretty near the start of the show.  At the time, this made me even more nervous, because for the life of me I couldn’t think of a thing to say once I was on stage, but then waiting would have also been bad.  I wasn’t going to win tonight, either actually or psychologically, but I’d come this far and I was at least going to give it a shot.

As best as I can recall, two or three groups went in front of mine, and I was straining to hear what was being said, but with all the noise and mayhem that was impossible.  Forget it.  I figured I’d get up there and just answer the question as best I could and simply be done with it.  At this point, I was just in it for the fun anyway, so what the Hell?

Captn' Dan on Stage

Okay.  Our turn.  The group ahead of us jostled off the stage as we entered Sloppy Joe’s from Greene street.  I was somewhere in the middle of the lineup and I was entranced by the crowd, the lights, and the judges.  I could see my family out there cheering me on.  As best as I can recall, the questioner came down the line of contestants asking a variety of questions, and although I tried to hear what was being said, the noise drowned out everything.  When they got to me, they basically asked why I was there and why I should win the contest.  I went pretty much blank at this point, but I vaguely (remember the vodka?) remember muttering something about being excited to be there and probably some other gibberish and then it was done.  It was over with and they were moving on to the next guy.  Once again, I knew I had blown the whole affair, but that was okay, as I could at least say I’d done the thing, rather as one might’ve done after taking your first straight shot of rye whisky when you were in high school (and I’ve never forgotten that moment to this day either!)

So, in a couple of moments, they were done with our herd and we were hustled off the side and down the stage steps.  After meandering through that impossibly dense crowd I finally made my way back to my family’s table and got a very wonderful round of hugs and handshakes from everyone there.  Undoubtedly the very best part of the whole evening!

We finished out the rest of the evening watching the remaining contestants do their thing on stage, and, quite frankly, I was amazed at what some of them did for their piece.  I really think some of them could’ve said absolutely nothing and still won while others might have recited the entirety of “The Old Man and the Sea” and it wouldn’t have made much difference.  

I guess he won something?

While the judges were making up their minds about who should win this beauty contest, there was a wonderful auction of Hemingway pictures and memorabilia, and I could not resist buying a few items for my growing collection back home.  In most ways, that was really one of the better moments of the evening for me.  I was finally relaxed and pleasantly drunk, and it was really a lot of fun.  And, I came home with some really neat stuff!

The Auction

During all this time, it became very obvious that this was not so much a true contest as it was a charity ball and an endurance contest all rolled into one.  All of the fellows were really great and were having so much fun that it became obvious that, although they all wanted to win, including myself, that in the end it was the act of being there in that crowd that really mattered to everyone.  That’s what really mattered.  However, in the end, I’m quite certain the judges were very fair and picked the correct winner, although it was pretty obvious that it really had very little to do with looking like Earnest Hemingway….which was fine by me.  It was one of those events that you’ll never forget for as long as you live.

Captn' Dan with other Hemingways--The Three Amigos?

After the contest was over, we strolled back to our car and motored back out to the Parrotdise Bar and Grill for a wonderful dinner looking out over the moonlit water.  It was absolutely beautiful there as it is most everywhere in the Keys.  The Hemingway contest was over for me, until next year, and in the meantime I could enjoy my remaining time in paradise.



One of Key Westie's Hemingway Pictures